By Paint Her in Color Founder, Laura Spiegel

Ever wonder when “I do” became “I do not have time for this”?

My husband and I recently watched a video from Courageous Parents Network that featured couples sharing tidbits about their relationships. “Are they inside our heads?” my husband wanted to know. “Have they tapped our phones?”

The couples featured were just like us. They were in full-on divide-and-conquer mode. They loved their kids to the moon and back. And they were tired.

My husband and I are sometimes like two ships passing in the night. Or perhaps more aptly, two ships passing out at night. These days, not even a juicy Dateline can get me to stay awake past 10 PM. By the time the work is done, the kids are (reasonably) pacified, and the sun has set, I’m pooped.

The last thing I want to do is sit down and have a heart-to-heart about how I’m feeling.

A few months ago, my husband and I found ourselves particularly out of sync. Call it COVID, call it winter, call it whatever you’d like. We weren’t connecting, and our fuses seemed to shorten by the day. After a marathon 1 AM chat, we decided to take concrete steps to strengthen our relationship and make more time for each other.

Here are 10 small things that have helped us to reconnect.

1.    We committed to getting real – No more glossing over emotions; no more disengaging from difficult conversations. We are prioritizing 100% honesty when we are together.

2.    We mixed up the caregiving routine – My husband has taken over the most stressful part of our daughter’s daily care for her cystic fibrosis. He now gets 60 minutes of daddy/daughter time each day, as well as a shared appreciation of the joys of negotiating with a seven-year-old.

3.    We bought an erasable white board for the refrigerator – Our conversations used to be heavy on the administrative stuff. “Did you ask the respiratory therapist for the newest nebulizer?” “Did you ask about the appetite stimulant?” “Do you know what our total out-of-pocket will be?” When directed at me, these questions were usually met with “For the last time, I told you I’m on it!” These days, we skip all that. I can see what my husband has done and vice versa courtesy a quick peek at the fridge.

4.    We go for walks together – The Norwegians like to say, “There’s no such thing as bad weather; just bad clothes.” We’ve taken to bundling up and going for a walk around the neighborhood over our lunch breaks. It’s a great way to get out of the house, squeeze in some exercise, and talk in private.

5.    We make dinner together – My husband and I have gotten really good at dividing and conquering. But making dinner is something we can do together. And if I ever get hit by a bus, I’ll at least know that the kids will be fed.

6.    We are trying to get out of the house – The past year has been isolating for so many of us parents of children with special health care needs. These days, we are looking for any excuse to safely get out there. We go sledding, we pick up curb-side-to-go pizzas, we visit our newly vaccinated parents. After months of Groundhog’s Day, the smallest excursions can liven up our days and get us out of our heads.

7.    We just sit – I hate piles of dirty dishes and unread emails as much as the next person. But as the weather starts to warm, I’m trying to lure myself to the front porch instead. A cold drink and a quick catch up after dinner are a hell of lot better than a date with the dishwasher.

8.    We try to treat one another as we would a best friend – Once upon a time, we were just friends. And best friends, at that. In that vein, we are trying to assume more positive intent, do less interrupting, and be quicker to apologize. It’s not about winning a conversation; it’s about connecting.

9.    We are working on treating ourselves with kindness – It’s amazing how nasty my inner critic can be. It’s constantly telling me that I’m not doing enough for my family - and for my daughter’s care in particular. These days, I am working on being a better friend to myself. On giving myself some grace and approaching myself with something other than clenched teeth. And I’m finding that when I’m kinder to myself, I’m able to bring a much better person to our relationship.  

10.  We are allowing ourselves to be human – Yesterday, our daughter did no respiratory therapy. None in the morning and none in the evening. Her doctor would not be pleased, but we decided to let it go. We can only negotiate/bribe/threaten so far. Some days, our daughter’s just not feeling it. She’s a human, and so are we. We can we try our best, but we aren’t perfect. And that’s okay.

If the day-to-day stresses of parenting have done a number on your relationship, please know that you’re not alone. So many of us moms and dads can relate. We’re not broken; we’re just human. And sometimes, recognizing that we want to be better connected is the most important step.

Do you have additional tips for staying connected amidst the chaos? Email me, and I can share your ideas with others!

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