Silencing the Inner Voice
By Paint Her in Color Founder, Laura Spiegel
“You’re not doing enough,” the voice hisses like a serpent in my mind. “You’re taking your foot off the gas.”
“You could be trying harder,” it whispers as it nudges sleep away.
“Stop thinking of yourself. Get it together or else.”
My inner voice is a sneaky one. It doesn’t bother with overt insults like “You’re disgusting. No one could love you. You’re a loser.” I’m reading a book on self-compassion now, and these are the kinds of self-criticisms sometimes used as examples.
“How awful,” my inner voice sighs. “I would never be so hard on you.”
My inner voice is cunning. It comes under the guise of protection. Of pushing. Of progress.
It insists that it is there to help me do good. To be the best I can be. To do everything I possibly can for my family and my loved ones.
These are all admirable aspirations.
And yet… They come with a downside. A great, big one.
They are impossible to attain.
How will we know when we’ve reached the very best we can be?
How will we know when we’ve done everything we possibly can for those we love?
There is always one more bridge to cross. One more mountain to climb. One more dragon to slay.
For the longest time, my inner voice drove my career. It propelled me to graduate at the top of my class. It pushed me up the proverbial ladder. It collected trophies and titles and smiled for a moment before asking “What’s next?”
I shoved that inner voice into the ground four years ago when I left corporate America to figure out how I could spend more time with the ones I love, doing the things I love.
I gave that inner voice the middle finger salute and forged my own way.
Sometimes I think about how I’ve changed in recent years, and I chuckle. I’m proud of myself.
But here’s the thing.
The inner voice is still there. Like an animal faced with a new environment, it has adapted. It has changed its tack.
Whereas I once thought outward success was the epitome, I now know better. I know that for me, the physical health and emotional well-being of my family is my everything.
My inner voice knows that too.
You’re not doing enough,” it hisses when I let my daughter, who lives with cystic fibrosis, walk away from her respiratory therapy before it’s complete. “You’re taking your foot off the gas.”
“You could be trying harder,” it whispers when I take a reprieve from my kids’ shrieks and shouts. When I give in to keep the peace.
“Get it together or else.”
Or else what?
Or else the quality of my daughter’s life will suffer.
Or else the relationship I have with my son will suffer.
Or else the loving security of our home will suffer.
Or else.
Or else.
Or else.
Mamas, why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we allow our inner voices to be our own worst critics? Why do we speak to ourselves – either overtly or covertly – in words of pressure and disdain?
The world is hard enough, and for those of us whose children are living with special medical, developmental, or behavioral health care needs, the journey can feel especially hard at times.
Do we really need our inner critics to pile it on?
Hell to the no.
We don’t.
And so…
I am trying to treat myself with kindness.
I am trying to respond to my stressors and my emotions in the same way a good friend would. With empathy. With understanding. With compassion.
I remind myself that I am not alone. None of us are.
We all have inner voices that are more cunning that we’d like them to be. That’s just part of being human.
But as humans, we also have a choice. We can choose to beat ourselves up day in and day out, or we can choose to treat ourselves with compassion.
Life is messy, but we are doing our best.
We love and are loved.
And especially in our community of #MedicalMamas and #SpecialNeedsParents, we are never alone.